I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
