my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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