I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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