i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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