I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
