you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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