Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
