ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
