My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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