He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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