i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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