chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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