btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
