Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
