I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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