I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
