Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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