What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
