drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
