new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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