I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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