I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
