just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
