I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
