"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
