News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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