Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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