So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
