I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
