Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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