My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
