I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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