im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Houston, we have a blender
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
