this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
