Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
