textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
