Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
