So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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