We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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