I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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