The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
