I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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