Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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