i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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