he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
