I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We left the knife in your bed.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
