Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
