I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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