I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I would fuck him just for his dog
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dear god my vagina.
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