i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
