i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
