All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
