just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
