you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
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when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
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No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier