chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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