Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
